** ARCHIVE ~ 2008 ~ 2007 ~ 2006 ~ 2005 ~ 2004 ~ 2003 *

         

---

December 2004 ~ Union Sq. & dinner at Habana!

*phew*... fixed the disaster! Here you go Phil and Kame! A set for you!! Boy... Phil and Kame are both lawyers.. hope I don't get sued for biting off of Yoshimoto Nara's artwork.. It's not like I can do any better, sheeesh... how can one sue a schmetard like me who's too lazy to be creative and prefers to draw what's in my line of sight?

SOOOO artistically exhausted tonight, I have no energy nor passion left to draw/paint any more until the weekend! My bossiepooh gave me a $25 giftcard to Borders!!! I think he's trying to send me a message- I'll delight him by purchasing some programming for dummies books to escalate my productivity and Y through his generosity in providing so much K... anyway, I'm planning on making him some funny signs that he can put up in his cube that will serve to express his level of approachability. Better yet, I could make this huge wheel-e-motion that spins from P1 to P5 where P1 represents "kiss the frog mode" and P5 represents the "please help distract me from shooing the elephants away, I'll take more ants mode". Anyway, "frogs and elephants?" go figure from NetApp's time management class- 'twas informative AND surprisingly entertaining indeed. But, I don't know what I'm talking about... All I know is that the package of forget me not seedlings that the instructor instructed us to send to ourselves just finally found it's way to me yesterday- forget them yes I did.

mr bear & toothguy, partners in crime!

Monday December 20, 2004 ~ Secret Santa Exchange @ Limon on Valencia!

Tuesday December 21, 2004 ~ Angry Girls!

Aigh... If you could see me now, I'm pouting just like the girls in the pic below... I can't paint consistently worth crapnuggets.. look at the difference between the pics! The two unfinished paintings I'm eventually giving to Kame and Phil don't look half as good as the other two that I made for Viv.. *sigh*.... rush rush rush! NO TIME!

Tuesday December 14, 2004 ~ Xmas Xchange @ Amici's in SF!

Saturday November 27, 2004 ~ Shopping with Paris... :0)

Thursday November 25, 2004 ~ Roe Restaurant ~ Beyond!

Saturday November 13, 2004 ~ Element DNA Lounge!

Past my bedtime, but too stubborn to tuck myself in... I've washed up quite a bit ago and although tomorrow's already calling my name, I just feel like my night is incomplete and I'm just stuck here.. stuck here until I give up and turn myself in... almost every day and night feels that way- as if I keep myself awake waiting for something to change... it'll all just get worse later if I don't get used to it now. Can I though? Can I stop wondering, hoping, imagining, dreaming that there's more?

Can't stand it sometimes... sometimes I just want to get away from here and free myself from people's expectations. I feel like it's really time to be a little more selfish and think of what I want first without being guilt tripped into having to act or react a certain way. "why aren't you respecting me?", "why are you doing this, why are you doing that?" Gosh, I'm tired of hearing what I can't do right... why can't someone tell me what I AM doing right for once. And really, maybe I'm not doing anything right either... so then I might as well just stop everything and do nothing.

Somehow it's just not enough... not enough time... it's not the money, it's the time. money doesn't = time. Lost time can't be bought.

I really don't have enough purpose right now... I have to find where I really belong and how I can make a difference.. then maybe I can go to bed without feeling a sense of incompleteness.

ZZzZZZzzz...

Just sittin' here listenin' to my Jay sing to me through my headphones- well, my left earphone that is, since my right one cracked sr. year in college sometime. Yes, unfortunately the broken thing has left me looking lopsided with a piece of plastic hanging out from my ear. That's okay though, no one is watching but the angry queen on this journal template.

This site is due for a major facelift at some point- once I decide to stop putting things off, I'll start with buying some webspace and actually buying my own verachen.com domain name! :0) Yah, I'm lucky the thing is available right now- someone occupied it a year or so ago and had NO page up whatsoever- that drove me mad. :0I

Now listening to "I believe" by errr, Van Fan Yi Chen, I wish I could fully understand what he's saying. I have this song in three different versions... korean, mandarin and cantonese (the cantonese one actually makes my sis laugh... boy does the guy sure know how to strain his voice!)... This song reminds me how so many things have changed since I first heard it. But, then again, maybe not though.. maybe a lot hasn't changed. Maybe I'm still the lost girl who can't motivate herself to get somewhere in life and push beyond some ditch. Life's too short to just sit around and wait for things to come- I've realized that I've become one of those "ooh, we'll see" type people. My patience makes me take slow approaches and gosh sometimes I think I might not get myself anywhere in the end if I keep thinking "oh it'll come, it'll come.. I can get there without trying"....

I used to try so hard... so danged hard that people now can't even recognize who I am anymore.... well that only goes for people who knew me before and who still know me now. Most people only know the before (chicken) OR the after (nugget) "Vera". :0) I don't think there was any inbetween- just two big fat extremes if anything. Maybe there is an inbetween... maybe the inbetween got lost somewhere inbetween the before and after. "ummmmm, hi, my name is vera". Right, anyway, I think the point here is that I might be forgetting to explore myself and my own world before exploring others' worlds...

"Ohh, girls who like everything are, BORING". Is that true? I think I've been caught up in telling myself that i like everything... sometimes I think I do, other times maybe I'm really just settling and trying to make myself comfortable? I've got a lot of passion, for sure.. passion to like what other people like! BAH... maybe that really IS boring. Why is it that I've abandoned the things I love to do on my own? Are those things just old and unexciting to me now? Do I really want to abandon them, and are they really just something in my past? Or do I feel that my passion could be revived if someone was there to motivate me and accompany me in the deeper journey?

Right, it all comes down to... can I make it alone? Do I need someone there to inspire me to explore more of myself? I can't seem to do it alone... I can't seem to find enough meaning making discoveries by myself... I seem to be someone who always needs a nudge or two before I can get anywhere... I need to change that.

~

Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Yeah...
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

You'll make it
You'll make it
Just don't go forsaking yourself
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you

       

Saturday October 2, 2004 ~ Suite 181 @ Eddy & Taylor, SF

Wednesday September 29, 2004

Hah, so I haven't managed to reserve a section in my site for "Dreams" like I did in my last website... so until then, I'll just have to blabber on about my fantasies here. Anyway, so with all these people getting engaged left and right- Cecilia and Yush, Natalie and Ben, Christy and Scott, boy, I think my braincells have been going bonkers keeping track of all these newly-engaged buds... but right, so last night I dreamt that I was given two diamond rings- supposedly engagement rings. (Don't worry Byron, you weren't the one who gave them to me, so I wasn't fantasizing about you :0). Right, so I put one ring on each hand... later I realized that the diamond rings were no longer diamond rings, but just fake rings- he told me that he would give me real ones later. Hehehe.. soon after, the fake plastic diamond holders fell off and disappeared too (supposedly in the shower). HAHAHAHA... so that was that ... and my fairytale ended :0). Anyway, the rest of my dream took place in a van... supposedly I tried hitching a ride with some friends and we ended up circling the city in traffic FOREVER... soon the clock read 7:30 and it was pitch black outside- confused as I was, I kept asking the drivers "so wait, what, we're still not at work yet? I'm soooo late!!"... but then I was told that it was only 7:30am and that the super dark tinted glass only made it appear as though the evening had set in....

Sunday September 19, 2004 ~ Sushibar @ Anzu and 1 year Ann in Carmel!

Monday September 13, 2004

So I've heard "you seem to have been so philosophical lately..." and... yes... right, been searching for more meaning and purpose and wondering if I'm really in the right place, doing the right thing, thinking the right way. I was directed to evaluate an away message of "( )" today. Does that really shout out "don't you see, empty, nothing, nil, zilch" or does it mean "please fill in my void". Yes, "go figure? Fill in the blank please"... Everyone's got their own reactions, impressions and interpretations... what does it really matter if no one tries to understand what you're actually trying to say. I'm beginning to feel skeptical of whether people are really all that happy. Everyone I talk to seems to be dwelling over something of some sort. Well, right, life would be boring without an issue to arise here and there for you to resolve, so yes, that's life. Well I know there are people who are content, but there are those who are still searching for something extra to push the meter over the top to "life is always a fascination" instead of "oh, umm.. yah, there are tons of things to be thankful about, wow it's a sunny day today".

Life is more than fair to me. I'm so incredibly fortunate and blessed, and loved by many. Kinda makes one wonder why one should even bother loving someone outside of the family if the only person who will ever love you the most is your own mom. Okay, so now I believe in incest... right. JUST KIDDING, ahhem.

So I'm a spoiled brat. So what? Come to think of it, I'm not all that spoiled, if I had one wish and the rules had it that I could either use it on myself OR everyone else, I would sacrifice my happiness and wish for everyone else to be eternally happy. I know I would. It would be the greatest gift ever to the world. But, genies don't exist :0) and I'm not Aladdin with a second chance to make a better wish. Hah.

"Why do you have to make things so complicated Vera?"... If you'd only understand, sure, I might seem to be complicating things now, but once I make up my mind, you might understand it all better in the future. I'm not trying to be selfish, I insist that I'm not. I seriously just don't want to waste people's time by existing only to be forgotten some day.

Does anyone truly share the same passions as me? I'm not sure if I've yet met a person of such... Maybe it's just the timing though, but if no two full gene sequences are the same, then yah, I don't believe in clones. (and that calico cat didn't end up looking like a clone, for all I know it could've been some other kitty found on the street halfway across the world). Then what is a soul mate? Is a soul mate like you? Is a soul mate different? I don't get it anymore. What's in our soul? That's the question. Unless we know what our innermost desires are, there's no way we can go around convincing another soul that we are a good match. "Pair, match, couple", doesn't that require that the two are identical? I guess, idential among some predetermined criteria.

12:05am and it's past my bedtime. I've confused and exhausted myself to slumber... tomorrow in fact will be another sunny day... zzzzzzzz

Thursday September 9, 2004

Lessons to learn in life:

3) Move on. Don't expect anything out of anyone- if you love deeply and wholly, there's no guarantee as to whether the other person will reciprocate your feelings. If you aren't loved in return, just learn to care about that person's happiness and success instead. It seems that many of us need to learn to love ourselves more before gettings so caught up in needing to "have" someone else. Nothing is more important than maintaining one's own sanity instead of dwelling over what isn't or cannot be. Learn to move on... learn that if you don't move on and transform your love into something else, you'll never make enough space for a new love that could be better and more fulfilling than the last.. just believe, focus and take interest in building something greater and you'll be surprised of the outcome.

2) No matter how hard you might try to get something through to someone, they might not hear you. Learn that not everyone can take the truth, digest advice or listen to your warnings. It seems that as we get older, we become more stubborn in our own ways and sometimes we just need to accept that people want to live their own lives, make their own mistakes and hit some lows just to balance out the highs. So when someone tells you that you're not making sense or that you're giving the wrong advice, just stay quiet and be a listener then- someday they'll learn to understand what you were telling them.... and heck, don't worry, they won't blame you for being right when they're dusting their pants off from a hard fall..

Saturday September 4, 2004 ~ Di's 23rd Bday and an afternoon in Sausalito! :0)

Lessons to learn in life:

1) You can't have everything you want in life... once you've learned this, you'll be able to look back and realize that maybe some things that you wanted the most, weren't worth wanting at all. You'll know this when you look at what's right there in front of your face and for once you are aware that the road looks broader and brighter with more opportunities. You'll know that you are really the only person in control of your own happiness- no, it isn't in obtaining something that maybe just isn't meant for you, but it is in knowing that there are so many alternatives, so many ways in which you can build your passions to be greater than the false passions that you had for cocoons that never really developed into the captivating monarchs you created in your mind. When someone crushes your shell some day, all you have to do is build yourself a new one. Build one that exceeds the limits of the last- stronger and indestructible, yet flexible enough to combat adversity. Change, the more you accept that certain things are the way they are and are beyond your control, the closer you'll be to turning a dead-end path into one that is wider, longer and more rewarding.

Sunday August 28, 2004 ~ Turkey BBQ @ Uncle Jin's